What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 02:45
Who then, do I blame.?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What’s the weirdest phone call you have ever received?
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do untreated borderlines always blame their partners when they actually think they are normal?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
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I said to her
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Comes on , in middle age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
If you believe in God, do you think God can save you from cancer?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
We were not on the streets..
Which document should be pointed out to a holocaust denier?
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was scared of men, in general
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She found it foreign!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When she asked me how she looked .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it wasn’t much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He knew the spot.
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot live in the past .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It was going to be , some day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I waited trembling.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is soul school!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What did i know ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She wouldn,t have been !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.